


she bleeds light

by oksnaeke



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Sadstuck, The Homestuck Epilogues, more tags as i go along but also i might not write this, ult rose, um... eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27811159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oksnaeke/pseuds/oksnaeke
Summary: Rose is forced to embark on another treacherous expedition. Before she leaves, she shares a sorrowful goodbye with her darling Kanaya, which turns from just tragic into something much greater. As she endures the strain of her ultimate powers continuing to grow, she is shocked with an epiphany.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	she bleeds light

**Author's Note:**

> hey kings and queens i am in gay homosexual love with both rose and kanaya so here is this entire fucking thing i made in my depressive post adderall stupor. enjoy

She brushes her hand against her cheek. It’s a sweet touch, she knows it should register as such, but she can’t stand to feel it. Her hand is callused and bony. Her cheek is ivory white and stiff with a cold countenance. Her eyes flutter down, and she realizes she’s too late. A chilly gnawing begins to creep into her guts.

  
“Kanaya?” She asks. Her lover doesn’t respond. She rubs her thumb gently against her frosted skin. She knows there is something waiting for her just below the surface. “Kanaya.”

  
Repetition does its charm. Her eyelids snap back open, and her jade green eyes pierce through Rose’s defenses. It’s so hard to look at her now. It’s so, so hard.

  
“I never wanted to burden you with this.”

  
Something in her eyes changes, and just a moment too late, she realizes she’s said the wrong thing. She begins to retract her hand before Kanaya grabs her wrist.

  
“I don't care if you burden me,” She breathes, “You're the person I married.”

  
Rose breaks eye contact. She sucks her teeth hard, studying the designs wrapping along Kanaya’s heels.

  
“I just wish you’d told me. I thought we got past this point.” Her gaze drifts to where she holds Rose’s hand, frozen alongside her own. She snakes her grip up from her wrist to her palm.

  
“I know. I..." She pauses. "I'm really sorry."

  
Kanaya sighs. Their hands naturally find their way into her lap, where they sit coiled together. It’s a quiet moment, a silent night. The linoleum floor is freezing underneath her calves, and sends goosebumps all the way up her thighs and down her arms. Her prickly skin is visible where her dress curves and cuts off. Her eyes close and she can feel the stark polarity between Rose’s hand and the world around them. It’s warm, but it’s rough; she believes something is better than nothing. Everything else is bitterly cold. And Rose is about to leave her here.

  
“Can I come with you, then?” She asks, knowing very well she’s grasping at nothing. She can see the answer on Rose’s face before she even opens her mouth.

  
“No, it just has to be Dave and me. I don’t know why, but that’s the only way it will work.”

  
She nods, feeling Rose’s gaze return to face her. She can’t meet her eyes this time.

“When do you leave?”

  
This is the hardest part, Rose reminds herself. This is it.

  
“Tonight.”

  
Kanaya’s face contorts one final time, and she ducks her head, sobs slowly whirring to life in her chest. Her free hand leaps to clasp around her mouth, lipstick no doubt smearing on her palm. The hot tears roll almost mechanically down her milky white cheeks. It always seems to be this way. Why does it always have to be this way?

Rose feels a pain comparable to a trident plunging through her chest. She clenches her teeth so hard they could shatter. Kanaya is squeezing her hand, black nail polish gleaming in the fluorescent lights. She’s made her beautiful wife cry all over again.

  
Time and time again, she’s forced to reap the horrible spoils of a job well done. She thought she’d made it out, but misery chases her down every corridor. This was meant to be their happy ending. The story should’ve ended years ago, but it continues to plague her. The game that never ends. The storyteller that won’t stop telling. Who will she lose next?

  
Anger boils deep inside her stomach. It bubbles up to her chest, her throat, her mouth, and suddenly she’s talking, talking with light, and Kanaya’s eyes dart to meet hers.

  
“We don’t deserve this. We’ve lost everything for this fucking game, and still it takes.”

  
Kanaya’s eyes are pinpricks staring back at her. It feels like her head is splitting in half, the anger ripping a hole in her fragile body. The tears still wheeling their way down her darling's face fuels it- brighter, hotter, louder. The words simply fall out of her mouth.

  
“I don’t know what we’ll do, but certainly not this. How many times have I had to leave you, Kanaya? Pushed away from each other due to circumstance? And everyone else, too, how many times have we been separated from our friends? Doesn't it seem kind of forced at this point?”

Kanaya’s eyebrows begin to furrow.

  
“How perfectly synchronized, this whole thing is. How perfectly pieced together. When everything is lined up in order, you can see just how much thought was put into our little adventure. Every plot point serves a purpose.” She can't speak fast enough.

  
“What are you saying?”

Rose doesn’t know. Light is pouring from her eyes to her tongue. There’s no time to think.

  
“I’m saying,” She says, forcing the scalding hot visions into words, “That everything about our lives was calculated from the start. That we’re not real- that nothing’s real. That I need to break this cycle before it breaks us.”

  
Kanaya’s face paints pure terror. She knows what she’s saying doesn’t make sense. Her expression is a reflection of her wife’s, as nonsensical drabble continues to spill from her lips like blood from a dying man’s mouth. It’s so much. It’s too much.

  
“It’s all a game and we’re its characters. Our lives ended when we won. We’re nothing now, we’re a continuous disarray of nothing, forever, spiraling into, spiraling, spiraling into..”

  
She can't possibly keep up. Air floods her lungs in sporadic bursts, all much too fast. Her chest is on fire, and she can feel the cracks bursting from her heart one after the other. She’s bleeding light. It’s a horrible feeling she knows all too well.

  
Before she can even try to collect herself, she doubles over, her face planting itself in Kanaya’s gut. She feels her lover’s spindly arms wrap around her back, pulling her closer. The guilt and embarrassment swarm her head like crows in flight. She grimaces, choking on a sob.

  
“I’m sorry,” She says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

  
Kanaya gazes down at Rose’s ever deteriorating body. She’s like a beanbag bursting at the seams, she thinks, the weight of everything crushing her beyond her own comprehension. She knows better than to speak now; anything that comes out of Rose’s mouth will be nonsense at this point, and there's next to no use in trying to decipher it. She's learned this.

  
“How do we do it, then?” Kanaya asks.

  
Rose takes two quick breaths before responding with a muffled, “Huh?”


End file.
